Thursday, July 13, 2017

Diary - Strabismus

Clicky for an animated (!) diary caption.

Strabismus is also called lazy eye, but there are a lot of conditions called lazy eye.  Strabismus appears to be the most precise term

In my normal body, I have... had?... a condition called ptosis... which, incidentally, is one of the other conditions people refer to as lazy eye.  With ptosis, one or both of your upper eyelids sag.  For me, it was my right eyelid.  If you look very closely at pictures of me in my normal body, the brunette one, you'll notice that my left eye sometimes opens wider than my right eye.

Well, actually, I guess you won't notice it if you're one of the people who sees me as a blonde woman in my old captions.  Kristen Bell, as far as I know, doesn't have ptosis.

My ptosis was very subtle; I think I'm the only person who's ever noticed it, though when I point it out to people, they can see it. When I was in my teens and early twenties, I would draw pictures of myself as a woman, trying to imagine what I would look like.  I studied my face very, very closely for those pseudo-self-portraits, and that was when I first realized there was something wonky with my right eye.

This eye, man.  I've had four separate bodies now--my male and female selves, Jennifer Aniston, and now Kristen Bell--and I've had problems with my right eye in three of them.

Bodies are so weird.



  1. You have a wonderful imagination, put it to better use.

    1. I hope this post doesn't seem offensive to Kristen Bell or other people with this condition. I don't mean to make light of it; I'm just trying to communicate what it's like to exist in a different body, and this is one of the quirks of Kristen Bell's, and now my, body. I wouldn't write about it if she weren't apparently open about it and comfortable with it.

      Or do you mean you're not interested in the stuff I've been writing in my diary captions? If so, I'm sorry for that. I often seem to misjudge what will interest people. I'm sure this topic will stop dominating my blog soon enough.

      Or do you mean because I've been fixated so much for so long on this question of who I would have been as a woman? I wish I could stop focusing on that, but it's a topic that won't let me go, that's haunted me since my early childhood. I wish it didn't take up so much of my headspace, but it does.

      I hope this doesn't sound confrontational; I don't mean it to be. I guess I just want to know what you mean. My insecurity won't let me not wonder.